If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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