i came on her dog
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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