So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
