I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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