My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
