Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
