were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
