You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
