She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
