Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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