If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
