Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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