I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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