3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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