Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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