right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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