Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
