Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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