Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
