I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
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