Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
