I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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