i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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