it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize