I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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