I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
