My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
