she looked like the before picture.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
