I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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