I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
