I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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