my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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