I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
