She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
