Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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