I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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