Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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