Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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