She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Hippo gnu deer
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
