Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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