No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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