Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
