I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
