hotel room ftw
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
