On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
