my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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