guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
