I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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