I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
When are your genitals available?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
