You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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