But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He better not be in your backpack
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
