Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
