Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
