I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
