He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
