She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
