I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
