it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
