The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
