I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
