I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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