Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
