I have demons in me.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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