just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
