Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
that's an acceptable place to lick
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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