Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
